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| It is kind of funny how peeing on one little stick can change the course of everything. A plus sign, two blue lines, a word- it doesn’t matter which you see. They all mean the same thing. I found out on January 5 that I was going to be a mother. The knowledge seemed a bit out of line with my plans for the next year of my life, but I guess that is the good thing about being human. We tend to adapt.
I was four weeks along that Monday and, unbeknownst to me, nine days away from the beginnings of morning sickness. Like clockwork, I would wake up, walk to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and my stomach would revolt. Working the sunrise shift at Starbucks didn’t mesh well with my newfound early-morning vomiting necessity. Both the early mornings and the strong scent of coffee nearly always sent me running for the bathroom as soon as I walked in the door. After an hour or so I could block out the smell if I concentrated really hard, but as soon as I got in the car to head home I would have to crane my neck to get my nose as far away from my coffee-smelling clothes as I could. I have never showered so often in my life.
I also found in those early days that cigarette smoke and coffee ended up smelling identical. When working drive-thru, I would run for the back room at the first sign of a cigarette-smoking driver. If I walked past someone smoking on the street, I would quickly switch from breathing through my nose to my mouth. Maybe it is some sort of baby protection that cigarette smoke smells so bad during pregnancy. I certainly can’t even imagine putting one to my mouth.
My husband, Brad, and I decided not to tell any of our friends until the end of the first trimester, which meant I had a good two months of throwing up consistently in front of my coworkers to lie about. Some guessed pretty early on, but they were nice enough to wait for me to tell them. We did, however, tell our family the day we found out. The news was met with a wide range of reactions due to the fact that we had just left an artist community and Brad was still looking for a new job that would provide us with the insurance we were lacking. Everyone was excited, though. After all, who doesn’t love a baby?
One of my biggest fears with the new baby was, and still is, how it will affect me as an artist. I’ve heard that motherhood is a full-time job and I would think that if it came down to writing a new song or feeding my child, the baby would probably win out. Plus, how do you tour with a baby? Or with a toddler? How long do I have to wait after giving birth to junior before I’m allowed to go on the road without being a bad mother? And will people look down on me if I bring the baby on tour? I’m fairly certain that infants aren’t allowed in smokey bars, especially late at night with loud music. And before we can even get on the road, where do I find the time to book a tour and practice the music and write the songs? And will the baby read this one day and feel like I held him or her responsible for the success or failure of my music career? Being a mother and a musician is hard, and I haven’t even given birth yet.
Right before we found out about the impending parenthood, Brad and I spent four months working on our music careers. We quit our jobs, moved to an island, and played music. I started working on building a publishing company and even acquired a college-age intern. Brad spent a lot of time in the studio working on recording several different artist’s music. We both played several shows, including one very cool one in New York City. When we left, we had great plans for continuing our work. Since January 5, however, I feel paralyzed. So much of building a music career is creating and sustaining momentum, so what happens if I create momentum and then have to stop in September? Instead of using this time to get a lot accomplished before I have to shift gears, it’s like I can’t see the point in spending the energy to race toward a brick wall.
Saying all of this sounds like I don’t want to be a mother, and that is just not true. I’ve been dreaming of having a baby since I was three years old. One of the most common conversations with my husband on long car trips was the one that involved picking out baby names. It’s just that I’ve wanted to be a musician for a long time, too, and have yet to figure out how to do both at the same time. I’ve been working on finding that answer for a while, but now there is a new urgency to figuring out the conundrum, and figuring it out soon. I hear that babies don’t wait on you to be ready before they leave the womb. So I guess that now that I’ve been thrown in the deep end I should work on learning to swim. | | |
| I've been on Martha's Vineyard for the past three months. I've been writing music and playing shows and hanging out in recording studios and making new friends. Currently, I am sitting in the Cafe listening to Sombreroland Christmas and writing. I need to write more so that I don't need to do writing exercises to get back into the swing of things. The students turned the cafe into a Christmas wonderland. The tree is huge and covered in white lights, colored glass balls, and silver beads. It also has a used tea bag decorating one of the lower branches. I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not, but I have been aware of its presence for at least two days. The star on top of the tree is a rusty metal color, the kind that isn't really rust but has been painted to appear that way. The fireplace looks like it was pulled straight from a Saturday Night Live set, with 29 stockings (complete with glittered names) hanging from the garland-covered mantle. The garland is sitting on "snow," the kind that is really cotton batting, and has colored lights strung along its top. Right in the middle is a white-light clad wreath, and on either end of the mantle are statues of wintery animals. There is no fire in the fireplace at the moment since most of the students are in sound check in the barn right now, but when the fire is going it makes quite the Christmas special scene. All around the rest of the Cafe, you can find garland, lights, and red bows to force the Christmas spirit into you. Soon I will be leaving and heading home to Mom and Dad's Christmas decorating. | | |
| I love Christmas. So far, Mom and I have watched at least seven Christmas movies and it is only Dec. 10. I think next will be Babes in Toyland. The only question is, which one? Old faithful or the newer Keanu Reeves version? Both are so enticing... | | |
| So, I bought a new car yesterday. It's a silver 2004 Honda Civic and I love it. No more tri-color for Jenny. Last night my family and I watched White Christmas. The tree was up. Today we are going to put the ornaments on. I love Christmas. I wish it would snow. | | |
| Damien Rice is a freaking genius. I'm going to see Imogen Heap tonight in Asheville, Cat Power tomorrow night, and Death Cab for Cutie in Clemson on Saturday. What a great weekend! God smote my Starbucks last night. We had our busiest day all year and everything that could break did. Half the bar was down, one of the registers wouldn't show all the menus, and the network that allows us to do anything (credit cards, send info to Seattle, etc.) crashed multiple times. Oh, and my great-aunt died yesterday. Today, however, try and touch me. I'm sad about Aunt Betty mostly for my mother. Aunt Betty was my grandpa's sister and my grandma's best friend. We're trying to get Mom to Michigan right now. I heard that the new Joanna Newsom cd is amazing, but I haven't had a chance to check it out yet. My house is freezing. Julie Tucker is engaged. Anything else to bounce around? I think that's enough for now. Signing off.... | | |
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